Today Was A Good Day

In the span of an hour there was a great deal of information exchanged between my ex-wife and I. We solidified the summer schedule, I now know that my oldest is switching cheer-leading  groups, my youngest will be playing tackle football (no teeth-pulling required) and that they might be switching schools because of the administration’s inability to help and accommodate my sons’ emotional proclivities (a nice way of saying “anxiety and ADHD”).

The most refreshing part of the ordeal, aside from collapsing in bed after being up for nearly twenty hours straight) was that for the first time we were both acting like adults. I think we finally realized that we both want whats best for our sons and the constant head-butting (guilty!) was getting in the way of it. We joked, we talked, we got things done. We laid concerns out on the table, talked about them, resolved them and moved on. She even admitted that it’s very easy for her to go from “zero to bitch” in no time flat, by comparing her temperament to my oldest’s when dealing with a bully that likes to press his buttons.

It made for a nice afternoon.

Additionally, we’ve got a line on several locations closer to my workplace that meet our needs and our price range. We’ll be looking at one as soon as it’s been cleaned and painted that we THINK is the right one but we’re not going to get really excited until we’ve signed a lease. What I can tell you is that it’s in a small town (village, really) with a good school system and a less-than-killer commute to the city where I work. That means we’re going to do a bit of driving when we go grocery shopping but it also means that I’m going to get an extra two hours of time with my kids on either side of my shift.

It was a good day. Hopefully the first of many.

Hulk SMASH!

This past weekend I almost had to murder someone. Not literally of course, but my jimmies were most certainly rustled and Papa Bear was a touch on the grouchy side.

Let me explain:

The apartment complex that I live in has a large circular drive with inlets to each of their buildings. If you’re a kid this makes for not only an awesome race track but a uniquely safe riding area free from traffic. Speed bumps keep the speed of the car traffic to a minimum and most of the tenants drive safely anyway because there are kids out from sunup to sundown when the weather is nice (or when it’s raining, ’cause puddles are fun). My boys have the privilege of riding around the complex as they please so long as they are respectful of other people and mindful of traffic.

My oldest wanted to go for a bike ride before dinner and was out for less than ten minutes when he skidded to a stop in front of the window and said that he had enough biking for the day. I pulled his bike in (I live on the ground floor of an apartment, half of which is actually underground so it’s easier to pull the bikes through the windows and not risk the drywall by taking the stairs) and asked why he was coming in so soon and he told me that someone was mean to him.

An adult.

Cue hackles rising.

I asked what happened and what I got was this:

My son was riding around and often rides in the covered parking area because… well… that’s what he likes to do. There was a car (a maroon Chevrolet Malibu with custom rims and tint so dark you can’t see inside) parked inside one of awnings (I don’t have a better word for them) and its driver talking on a cell phone. My son, ever conscious of the trouble he would be in should he damage someone else’s car, stopped a full parking spot away and made to leave the awning.

“Oh no,” the driver said, “Get away from my car.”

This, my son told me, was a reasonable (if rude) way to make sure that he (my son) stayed clear of his (the driver’s) car. With paint that slick I can understand being a little paranoid about stray gravel. My son left and slightly after the driver existed his car. My son was watching the man walk to his apartment when the driver uttered the following:

“Keep looking at me and I’ll…”

My son never heard the end of the sentence; he rode  away as fast as he could and came home.

In a way he’s lucky that he wasn’t outside when I went over there to check. I’m not a physically violent person by nature (and I can’t fight worth a damn) but I was more than ready to go upside his head (reference) for threatening my son.  I don’t care what he was going to say or what he said, though I would have gotten his side of the story before deciding whether a mauling was in order. It’s just… you don’t threaten a nine-year old (or any kid) just because they’re looking at you. If you’re so insecure that you can’t stand a child looking at you then you’re probably better off locking yourself in your apartment and never coming out.

Moving On

I knew that, at one point or another, I would have to move closer to my job. As it currently stands I’m driving an hour each way and it wears not only on my car but on pretty much every part of me as well. I have no problem dropping twelve hours on a shift (I’m the rare person that loves their job; there should be more of us) but when it comes to that drive home part of me just wants to rent a hotel room somewhere and sleep.

That, of course, isn’t exactly an option. I mean it is, but it’s expensive.

I went and talked to a lawyer yesterday because I’ve always had this nagging fear that moving further away would hurt my children and put the custody agreement, as we have it, at risk. Looking back it seems silly, but with the horror stories you read in the media it’s not that difficult to imagine a judge’s gavel echoing a decree that I’m no longer allowed to see my children because I’m too far away to attend soccer practices. Truthfully it would be nowhere near that dramatic, but I’ve got an active imagination and it gets the best of me sometimes.

Before I go into what I learned I have to caution anyone that comes across this post: This is not legal advice, I am not a lawyer and if you are thinking of doing something that might have repercussions you would be well advised to consult an attorney in your state that is familiar with custody laws and can review your divorce decree with you. My word, much as I want to believe otherwise, is not law.

Now then.

I had a few questions that I was seeking answers to:

Will moving further away from my children affect my custody arrangement?

In short: no. In long: nooooooooooooo  (I love that joke). People move all the time and in this economy you have to go where the money is. In the city I’m currently living in I’m competing against techs with years more experience than I have and in the IT field the winner is the person that’s been doing it the longest. I had been unemployed for long enough that Geek Squad was looking like my only alternative that I started to widen my search or get used to driving those ridiculous black and white VW Beetles. . The search for employment was a slow process but once my search radius included the city I’m currently working in I struck gold. Two days after I applied I was setting up a phone interview, then three in-person interviews and the rest is history.

Certain custody arrangements specify that one parent must get clearance from the other if they are moving more than 100 miles away. I was moving inside this radius (which isn’t even included in my divorce degree, I found) so that particular issue was moot. The way the lawyer put it there wouldn’t even be a reason to change custody because it’s not only in the best interest of my kids to continue to see me, but it’s best in the long term as well because I’m employed and able to pay the support that goes to my children.

What, if anything, would change?

As it stands in our agreement, s/he who’s parenting time is starting has to pick up the kids. That means when I move I’ll have to pick them up on Friday and she’ll have to come get them on Sunday night. If she has a problem with driving for two hours she can file a motion to change the agreement and tell the courts “I don’t want to have to drive that far.” My counter argument will be “I need to be here so I can work to pay support. Since she’s getting more money because I’m making more money it should be a fair trade.

Or I can ask that gas be factored in to the support agreement and I don’t think she’ll like that.

Where were a few other things that we talked about, mostly having to do with the time before the move and anything I should watch out for. All in all it was a productive meeting that settled a lot of the fears that had been rolling around in my head. Now instead of dreading the move and the imaginary court battle I’m actually looking forward to getting out of the city that I grew up in and starting over. I don’t have anything against where I live now, I just think that a change will do me good.